Fear.

“Fear is not a trivial matter. In many ways, it restricts our lives; it imprisons us.”

So I have been a little M.I.A., been fighting some big ass demons. lol. I just want to talk about something I think that we all face – knowingly or not. Maybe you don’t always feel it but when you do, you don’t know what to do. It causes anxiety, stress, heartache…and you know what it’s a real bitch. Constantly stopping you from what you want to do or pursue and to be honest, I never thought that I would be the person to even own up to this but I will, fear, it has stopped me from living my life to the fullest.

I have a huge fear of letting people down and/or disappointing them.

So what is fear: to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

Painful, that’s the word, I don’t like it. No one likes to feel pain and unless you’re evil you don’t like to inflict pain on others – whether it be physical or emotional.

I think I have spent my whole life trying to make everyone around me happy that I completely lost myself along the way. Don’t get me wrong I have certainly felt happy in my life, many times but I have also found myself in some sticky situations where I feel pressure, uneasiness, and lots of stress. Then I asked myself, why? Why am I in this position?

Because I allow myself to be. I would rather make the other person or crowd happy because the thought of letting them down or hurting them gives me anxiety, creates stresses and makes me feel guilty.

But that’s not where it ends, I also have the fear of letting go, the fear that everything will go wrong, the fear that I won’t be happy…Really?? Talking about anxiety on another level. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, don’t want to work out, don’t want to be around people, just want to be left alone.

Fear and anxiety go hand in hand and together they will rule your world but only if you allow them to.

But not today Satan, not today. 

As I sit here at this awesome coffee shop in Fort Lauderdale, sipping my dirty thai espresso and munchin’ on this amazingly fresh blueberry muffin, I started to think. So FullSizeRender 11I put my headphones on, opened up Macbook and started Googling fear, the study of fear, phobias, how to be fearless, how to be strong, how to find the strength and courage to find MYSELF and be and feel happy again. I am 30 years old and still afraid to go out and chase my dreams and my happiness.

I found some awesome things, read tons of articles, came across books to read and questions, the Internet is such a powerful tool!! I asked myself the below questions over and over and over…and let me tell you, each time I asked myself it was something different.

  1. What am I actually afraid of?
  2. Am I afraid of the process or the result?
  3. Do I feel that I can handle the process?
  4. Do I feel like I can handle the outcome?

Some say fear is an emotion while others think it’s a symptom of anxiety which some consider a disorder. My whole point to this is that I don’t need to be afraid and I need to stop thinking that I’m letting people down and start realizing  that I’m making better decisions for myself.  I know I can’t make everyone happy and I know that it’s just simply impossible to. Your happiness – and mine – should be number one on the list. If you feel like me, please don’t allow yourself to feel this way any longer. Find yourself! I’m working on me too. 

My sister and I were texting back and forth today on a particular situation that is creating a lot of chaos in my mind and creating all this fear, she said “it’s going to be hard and it will be a battle but the freedom and happiness will be worth the fight”. Talk about being a philosopher? LOL. My sister is a nutcase sometimes but in times of need she really comes through and I couldn’t be anymore happy with her love and support. 

I broke down what she said and applied it to various situations and although I’d love to get into detail the coffee shop is getting ready to close plus I have to go home to my pug. Until next time…I will try my hardest to start posting all these pending posts I have but life happens. LOL

Good night 🙃

 

 

 

Sioux City, Iowa

Happy Wanderlust Wednesday!

So know I’ve slacked on my wanderlust Wednesday’s, guilty as charged lol.  Last I mentioned I was traveling to Iowa, ugh weather was terrible. I was hoping for some snow or something but it was foggy, rainy and a little cold. Weather made exploring difficult, not to mention I did not have a car so I was kind of floating around or did whatever I could by foot.

I went to Iowa to visit family that I don’t get to see, ever. They actually had no idea I was coming up! My family originally is from Santa Ana, California but a few of them moved to Sioux City, Iowa. It’s really not as bad as people think, I mean, it’s like any state in the midwest, we just don’t hear about Iowa as much. There are no beaches but they have seasons and hills/mountains! Making the sunsets quite nice actually.
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As soon as I landed Thursday morning, I paid my aunt a visit at her salon “Leonor Beauty Salon” to surprise her.  She wasn’t expecting that! ‘Twas a fun! Located next door is my cousins taco shop “Taco’s El Guero” serving authentic Mexican Tacos! I couldn’t wait to sit down and eat but to finally try her food. WOW, YUM!! I shouldn’t be shocked considering my cousin has always cooked growing up but these tacos were good, can’t find tacos like theirs in south Florida without restaurants having their own spin on them. I just want real tacos! LOL. I tried two tacos – shrimp tacos and tacos al pastor, I also tried their seafood ceviche, Mexican Style!

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Shrimp Taco & Taco Al Pastor – Taco’s El Guero

SOOOO GOOD!!

As I mentioned weather was kind of ugly so I wasn’t able to snap and explore as much as I had hoped for and with Friday being such an ugly and cold day, we made it a shopping day. I never thought I could shop until I drop, well never say never, right? it totally happened. My aunt’s shopping addiction is worst than mine, she can shop like there is no tomorrow. It all makes sense now, I know exactly where I got it from! haha. Literally shopped from about 11am to 7pm. I have never been tired of shopping but she either had a lot of coffee or is running on energizer batteries. LOL. We drove to South Dakota to shop buttttt also to visit my cousin, whom I hadn’t seen for about 8 years and before that it was like 1o years. So it was worth the drive, shopping and all waiting until she got off work. So after shopping, the fog was super dense that we could barely see the car ahead of us. So we pulled over at Sioux Falls Park. Place was dark, icey and interesting and not as foggy, which I found strange. Anyway, I was told this place is beautiful during the day and in spring – I think any place in spring is beautiful though, just saying. They have these water falls that were all icy and foamy. I overheard someone say that it is because of the salt but I didn’t confirm if it is true. I guess I could Google it…maybe next time. Aside from everything, I managed to get a few shots at the Sioux Falls Park, a little grainy but oh well. img_2187img_2181

As you can see, the rain just wouldn’t stop…all up in my lens and stuff! Next time, I need to remember my hood, an extra battery and I wish I would be willing to take my tripod but that’s just too much baggage when you are on the “snap n go”. img_2184

Anyway, that pretty much wrapped up my Friday in Dakota with the fam, just talking, laughing and reminiscing. Saturday morning though, was beautiful…The night before I had joked around with my cousins that I expected to have breakfast in bed – chorizo and egg tacos/burritos, which is a very popular breakfast as I was growing up. I still love that stuff. At 9am I hear my aunt walking into the room, with breakfast and coffee – she had prepared the coffee the same way the grandmother did in Mexico! ❤ I was in heaven. I am thankful beyond words because I was just joking but she went the extra mile to put a smile on my face and she did, from ear to ear. Thank you Tia!

Saturday I explored with my cousin around Sioux City and South Sioux, dropping off puppies to their new homes! Look at this guy, isn’t he so cute!

We also stopped by the Sioux City Public Museum. That was pretty cool, lots of beer history in there but we were kind of rushed since we were meeting the family at Famous Dave’s for an early dinner. It was great to sit with the entire family and take silly photos and laugh and pretty much get to know everyone all over again.

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One of my Favs – Familia Martinez, Chavez, Sanchez, Leon and Andrade

After Famous Dave’s we headed over to Trinity Heights where they have shrines, a memorial garden and quiet prayer and reflection spots. It is really a beautiful site. The Heart of Mary Queen stands 30 feet tall and the Jesus 33 feet. If ever in Iowa, definitely check it out.

I wish I could say that the rest of this trip was awesome, due to unfortunate circumstances I had to end my trip short and fly back two days earlier and of course, mother nature decides to make it snow the following day. SMH. That would happen to me! I had a good time though and I wish I could have done more site seeing but that’s ok!  The trip wasn’t about that but about seeing family and spending time with the people I care about..until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year!! 

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Woohoo!! Many have been saying that 2016 was a really crappy year and well, I hate to jump on the bandwagon but it certainly was not my favorite either. A lot of bad memories but buried in those bad memories are some great highlights and since it’s a new year, I’m going to be positive! It’s a new day, set new goals, realistic goals though. LOL. I’m just saying, there are a lot of people out there with these outrageous goals that even they question whether or not their goals are attainable. Challenge yourself but not to the point where you will want to give up. One of my professors in journalism always said “don’t forget to KISS” aka “keep it simple stupid.” So yea….simple yet challenging.

Anyway last year I said I would keep up with my blog and that TOTALLY did not happen. Aside from working a 9-5 job, I decided to go back to school to pursue a bachelors in accounting. I have been doing accounting since I was 17 so it just made sense to make a career out of it, also for a reliable source of income. I guess eventually we have to grow up.  I love my job but accounting is just not my passion. I have an itch for something else, something crafty, something that involves being hands on, something creative but I – like a lot of people in the world – don’t know where or how to start. If I can keep up with my studies I will be about 2 years away from graduating, so it’s on!! In the past I have always said I want to do this and I want to do that but I just never do. Not because I can’t get to my goals but because I end up biting more than I can chew and not setting goals. So now I have them!! I have to stop looking for the opportunity but instead create my own opportunity. Time to hit the books, get back into shape and pursue something I’ve been putting on the back burner for a long time now. This year is the year, this is your year, this is my year! 

So here’s to a new fierce and fabulous year, to a year full of new adventures, to a year full of happiness and laughter and of course, success! CHEERS!

I am ready for you 2017! Bring it. 

Credit Card Rant

Ever been a victim of fraud and/or theft? ‘Twas my first today. I had to go through the frustration of having to cancel cards and dispute charges. WHAT A PAIN!

Let me first start by saying, thank you to the jerk that stole my cards at Starbucks. THANKS!

People I tell ya, people. Some are so pleasantly kind while others are just straight up assholes. You know, it would never occur to me to steal someone’s identity or personal belongings.

I spent six hours studying, researching and writing papers at Starbucks yesterday and after all that, my ass left my card holder that contained money, my debit card and credit cards. I didn’t even notice that I had left it until 10 PM when I went to pay at the register at Ross. Thankfully I had some cash on me, so I didn’t look like a dumb ass with a bunch of random crap and nothing to pay with.

Upon paying, I immediately called Starbucks to see if anyone had turned in my stuff, I literally left there two hours before but no answer. I spent four hours this morning calling the store to find out about my stuff and still NO ANSWER! WTH.

Finally, after dropping off my sister at the airport this afternoon, I drove my ass straight to Starbucks and while waiting in line to speak to a manager, I called the store. Of the five visible staff not one person picked up the phone. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe it. So I asked why they were not answering the phone calls and the shift manager [who was so freakin’ rude] told me that the phone must not be working yet I just saw her look at the phone as it lit up, obviously it was ringing and maybe on silent, come on, really?

I asked about my cards and she said to give her ten minutes to look, which actually meant “give me ten minutes while I empty out every garbage can that you can see sight and then I will assist you.” I was livid. Ultimately, after waiting she went behind the counter and checked [which took her two minutes] and said that no one turned in my cards.

Of course not.

What in the hell happened to having a conscience? What direction is mankind heading in? It’s questionable for sure. I actually thought that maybe, just maybe, the person who came across my belongings would turn them in. NOPE.

Why didn’t I just call and cancel my cards? Because I wanted to give humanity a chance to prove me wrong and that there is still good in the world.

Anyway, someone got a hold of my cards and whoever this little s**t is paid their Amazon bill and also racked up a nice tab on Amazon with my credit card. Oh, but it gets better. They needed my address so that the payment could go through, this smart imbecile! They paid for a full report on me from Peoplefinder.com which includes not only my full name, date of birth and previous address but my current address, people related to me, and telephone numbers.

Umm…What? Is this legal?

Can someone please explain to me why it is that easy to get someone’s personal information?! I’m quite disturbed and this makes me wonder, how often do people obtain these records and how many people are being stalked?? LOL. But seriously, does it look like I want to end up on the I.D. (Investigation Discovery) Channel?

This dummy just paid their bill with my debit card, luckily my online statement provided me with an Amazon payment confirmation number that can be traced. I want to laugh but at the same time, I’m so angry. What is this person thinking? At least go buy some groceries or something.

Ugh, I want to believe that that there are ethical people out there and I am sure that there are but I keep running into these types of situations that make me question people and their motives. It’s giving me a sour taste in my mouth of what our future holds. I sound like a pessimist, sheesh! I can’t help it. I really love life, the world, and everything in it but wow, just wow.

So back to these online reports, it’s scary as hell! Does anyone know if there is a way to get that information off the internet and if so, HOW?!