Alexis Kanda-Olmstead contemplates finding faith in the depths of her despair: “Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive.”
So last week I posted a little bit about how fear is an asshole and how it stops you in your tracks. After spending time with family and friends this past weekend and talking out loud about my fears, I was quite surprised with their feedback, especially with their support. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, I felt happy and confident, and I knew that they understood me. I really did not expect the amount of love and support I received from them and if you’re reading this, thank you for having my best interests at heart! 😊😘
I hate being judged, like absolutely hate it so me opening up is quite difficult to do. There are a few people in my life who I can completely be open with and not worry what they will say but there are also a few who claim to not be judgmental yet they are the first ones to have a rude remark or comment. I don’t even think that they are aware that they are being that way or judgmental 🤔 It’s not necessarily a bad quality I think it’s safe to say that we are all a little guilty of being that way; I would be lying if I said I didn’t judge someone without knowing all the facts but I believe there is a time, place and also entitlement. It takes courage to realize that you are judgmental but that’s neither here nor there.
These last few months have been a bit rough… to be honest, a lot of it just needed to happen. I have learned so much, I have grown to accept things and more importantly I have discovered my strengths and weaknesses along with some harsh truths about myself. I just want to take everything in and start living! They say everything happens for a reason so if it’s to teach me then so be it. I’m ready for the lessons, I don’t want to let these fears control my life any longer. 🙅🏻
I’m human and I can’t help the way that I am or how I feel, I can only improve. Yes, I don’t like being judged – along with tons of other people – so my decisions are based on making those around me happy and also to avoid being judged. But you know what, regardless of the decisions I make people will always have something to say, whether they agree with them or not. I know that I haven’t been living for myself the last few years, I’m living for everyone else and I’m tired, tired of being depressed, tired of wondering, tired of feeling restless.
You’re either thinking ‘what a crappy way to live your life’ or you find yourself kind of relating to me. I have decided to write about my progress because I’m tired of being a zombie – alive but feeling dead inside. I think there are plenty of people who struggle with things of this nature and things like this don’t always affect people the same way. Everyone deals with things differently, some seek help, some read self-help books and some people write or you’re like me and do all three. Lol
I’m sure your wandering what has me so flustered… truthfully, there’s so much but there’s really only one thing that’s weighing heavily on my mind. Thinking about it gives me such anxiety to the point where I feel my heart is going to pump its way right out of my chest.
No one deserves to feel this way, no one. At times I feel like the pressure of pleasing everyone is just out of this world and as I’m busy trying to make everyone happy, guess what everyone else is doing? Whatever makes them happy!! They already got what they wanted and they are living. Life is too short to be living in this manner and whatever your age, you don’t have to spend forever like this. I’m in this predicament but no one put me here and I don’t intend to stay like this forever either. Just remember, ‘No one’s happiness is more important than your own.’ I keep saying this to myself over and over and over. I think it’s finally starting to set in 🙃
Actually, these are the three things I have recited since last week:
1) only person who knows you is YOU!
2) “The key to being happy is knowing that you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go.” – Dodinksy
3) “We are like the little branch that quivers during a storm, doubting our strength and forgetting we are the tree – deeply rooted to withstand all of life’s upheavals.” – Dodinksy
They help me. Lol. Though I just started talking about this, this has been an ongoing battle for a me for quite some time and I know I can’t change everything overnight. With time, patience and faith everything will come together, I know it.
Aside from feeling this way, I had a great day and I hope everyone else is or did, whatever. Lol. Off to the gym I go! 🤗
So I have been a little M.I.A., been fighting some big ass demons. lol. I just want to talk about something I think that we all face – knowingly or not. Maybe you don’t always feel it but when you do, you don’t know what to do. It causes anxiety, stress, heartache…and you know what it’s a real bitch. Constantly stopping you from what you want to do or pursue and to be honest, I never thought that I would be the person to even own up to this but I will, fear, it has stopped me from living my life to the fullest.
I have a huge fear of letting people down and/or disappointing them.
So what is fear: to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.
Painful, that’s the word, I don’t like it. No one likes to feel pain and unless you’re evil you don’t like to inflict pain on others – whether it be physical or emotional.
I think I have spent my whole life trying to make everyone around me happy that I completely lost myself along the way. Don’t get me wrong I have certainly felt happy in my life, many times but I have also found myself in some sticky situations where I feel pressure, uneasiness, and lots of stress. Then I asked myself, why? Why am I in this position?
Because I allow myself to be. I would rather make the other person or crowd happy because the thought of letting them down or hurting them gives me anxiety, creates stresses and makes me feel guilty.
But that’s not where it ends, I also have the fear of letting go, the fear that everything will go wrong, the fear that I won’t be happy…Really?? Talking about anxiety on another level. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, don’t want to work out, don’t want to be around people, just want to be left alone.
Fear and anxiety go hand in hand and together they will rule your world but only if you allow them to.
But not today Satan, not today.
As I sit here at this awesome coffee shop in Fort Lauderdale, sipping my dirty thai espresso and munchin’ on this amazingly fresh blueberry muffin, I started to think. So I put my headphones on, opened up Macbook and started Googling fear, the study of fear, phobias, how to be fearless, how to be strong, how to find the strength and courage to find MYSELF and be and feel happy again. I am 30 years old and still afraid to go out and chase my dreams and my happiness.
I found some awesome things, read tons of articles, came across books to read and questions, the Internet is such a powerful tool!! I asked myself the below questions over and over and over…and let me tell you, each time I asked myself it was something different.
- What am I actually afraid of?
- Am I afraid of the process or the result?
- Do I feel that I can handle the process?
- Do I feel like I can handle the outcome?
Some say fear is an emotion while others think it’s a symptom of anxiety which some consider a disorder. My whole point to this is that I don’t need to be afraid and I need to stop thinking that I’m letting people down and start realizing that I’m making better decisions for myself. I know I can’t make everyone happy and I know that it’s just simply impossible to. Your happiness – and mine – should be number one on the list. If you feel like me, please don’t allow yourself to feel this way any longer. Find yourself! I’m working on me too.
My sister and I were texting back and forth today on a particular situation that is creating a lot of chaos in my mind and creating all this fear, she said “it’s going to be hard and it will be a battle but the freedom and happiness will be worth the fight”. Talk about being a philosopher? LOL. My sister is a nutcase sometimes but in times of need she really comes through and I couldn’t be anymore happy with her love and support.
I broke down what she said and applied it to various situations and although I’d love to get into detail the coffee shop is getting ready to close plus I have to go home to my pug. Until next time…I will try my hardest to start posting all these pending posts I have but life happens. LOL
Good night 🙃