Alexis Kanda-Olmstead contemplates finding faith in the depths of her despair: “Depression is like being dead in a world that is cruelly alive.”
Last week a coworker of mine brought another coworker and I “pistachio” muffins from, well, from a place I would rather not disclose because it’s just not that big of deal and I love their muffins, in fact their entire menu but I feel somewhat cheated. I was so excited because pistachio is one of the nuts that I can actually have after somehow developing a tree nut and peanut allergy.😒
**Fun Fact: Did you know that peanuts are considered legumes, therefore, part of the peas and lentil family? I didn’t know either until I developed the allergy and had to watch everything I ate.**
Anyway, I was so excited to eat this muffin and as soon as I took my first bite I started to feel my mouth itch and so I spit out what I thought was a pistachio, it was a WALNUT! Ugh. Seriously? So then I kind of just picked around the walnuts, I know, ballsy, I probably should have not done that but the muffin is just that good. 👅 Not to completely dissect this muffin but it totally tasted like some serious almond extract or something. Still good but I was missing the pistachio.
I felt like it was some physiological trick. I mean you a see a beautiful bright green muffin – not sure if I mentioned that but it was super green- and nuts your mind is already believing that you are going to be biting into a pistachio muffin. I seriously want to know what are in those muffins and why they used walnuts instead of pistachios? Perhaps, they are kind of dry? Too hard? Either way, I was on a mission to make REAL pistachio muffins.
I wanted to blow away my coworkers but I will tell you what, I don’t think I came even close to that darn muffin but at least mine had real pistachios. LOL. My coworkers loved my muffins so I was pretty thrilled, mission complete! 🙌🏽
To be honest, I kind of lost track of how much milk I used but I would just add until it looks right. Haha. So I think the amount below should suffice. I peeked around the web for some recipes but I didn’t find much, so I took something from here and there, substituted various things and added my own touch. Hopefully you enjoy!
- 1 cup whole wheat flour
- 2 cups all purpose flour
- 1 cup sugar – extra for sprinkling the tops of muffins
- 2 tbsp of baking powder
- ½ tsp of nutmeg
- ½ cinnamon
- ½ tsp of pink Himalayan salt
- 1 box of instant pistachio pudding
- ½ cup of finely chopped pistachio – for mixing and for garnishing (optional)
- 2 eggs
- 1 ½ cup of milk
- ¾ cup of coconut oil (heat up in the microwave for liquid)
- 5-6 drops of green food coloring or however green you want to go (yes, I am also going to trick your mind!)
- Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
- In bowl, mix all dry ingredients.
- In a separate bowl mix wet ingredients including oil and food coloring.
- Gently pour wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix until all flour is moistened, It should be a very thick batter. **Optional: You can the pistachios into the batter not just garnish them with the pistachios.
- Fill cups at least ¾ of the way so that they rise into nice fluffy muffin tops! I sprinkled chopped pistachios and sugar on top right before slipping them into the oven, I have to say, I was happy I did!
- Bake at 375 for 17-20 minutes until the toothpick comes out clean.
So last week I posted a little bit about how fear is an asshole and how it stops you in your tracks. After spending time with family and friends this past weekend and talking out loud about my fears, I was quite surprised with their feedback, especially with their support. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, I felt happy and confident, and I knew that they understood me. I really did not expect the amount of love and support I received from them and if you’re reading this, thank you for having my best interests at heart! 😊😘
I hate being judged, like absolutely hate it so me opening up is quite difficult to do. There are a few people in my life who I can completely be open with and not worry what they will say but there are also a few who claim to not be judgmental yet they are the first ones to have a rude remark or comment. I don’t even think that they are aware that they are being that way or judgmental 🤔 It’s not necessarily a bad quality I think it’s safe to say that we are all a little guilty of being that way; I would be lying if I said I didn’t judge someone without knowing all the facts but I believe there is a time, place and also entitlement. It takes courage to realize that you are judgmental but that’s neither here nor there.
These last few months have been a bit rough… to be honest, a lot of it just needed to happen. I have learned so much, I have grown to accept things and more importantly I have discovered my strengths and weaknesses along with some harsh truths about myself. I just want to take everything in and start living! They say everything happens for a reason so if it’s to teach me then so be it. I’m ready for the lessons, I don’t want to let these fears control my life any longer. 🙅🏻
I’m human and I can’t help the way that I am or how I feel, I can only improve. Yes, I don’t like being judged – along with tons of other people – so my decisions are based on making those around me happy and also to avoid being judged. But you know what, regardless of the decisions I make people will always have something to say, whether they agree with them or not. I know that I haven’t been living for myself the last few years, I’m living for everyone else and I’m tired, tired of being depressed, tired of wondering, tired of feeling restless.
You’re either thinking ‘what a crappy way to live your life’ or you find yourself kind of relating to me. I have decided to write about my progress because I’m tired of being a zombie – alive but feeling dead inside. I think there are plenty of people who struggle with things of this nature and things like this don’t always affect people the same way. Everyone deals with things differently, some seek help, some read self-help books and some people write or you’re like me and do all three. Lol
I’m sure your wandering what has me so flustered… truthfully, there’s so much but there’s really only one thing that’s weighing heavily on my mind. Thinking about it gives me such anxiety to the point where I feel my heart is going to pump its way right out of my chest.
No one deserves to feel this way, no one. At times I feel like the pressure of pleasing everyone is just out of this world and as I’m busy trying to make everyone happy, guess what everyone else is doing? Whatever makes them happy!! They already got what they wanted and they are living. Life is too short to be living in this manner and whatever your age, you don’t have to spend forever like this. I’m in this predicament but no one put me here and I don’t intend to stay like this forever either. Just remember, ‘No one’s happiness is more important than your own.’ I keep saying this to myself over and over and over. I think it’s finally starting to set in 🙃
Actually, these are the three things I have recited since last week:
1) only person who knows you is YOU!
2) “The key to being happy is knowing that you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go.” – Dodinksy
3) “We are like the little branch that quivers during a storm, doubting our strength and forgetting we are the tree – deeply rooted to withstand all of life’s upheavals.” – Dodinksy
They help me. Lol. Though I just started talking about this, this has been an ongoing battle for a me for quite some time and I know I can’t change everything overnight. With time, patience and faith everything will come together, I know it.
Aside from feeling this way, I had a great day and I hope everyone else is or did, whatever. Lol. Off to the gym I go! 🤗